That's The Eggnog Talking
by roxypony
Summary: MSD Top Secret Christmas Edition: A Secret Santa on the Mothership, an abundance of obnoxious decorations, a lot of Samuel singing, and Anna making a complete human of herself. Who better to keep everyone in line than our expressionless hero?


I am NEVER starting a Christmas fic on the 23rd EVER again. This was brutal. I've been so lazy on FFN all summer, then fall, now winter, so I just had to do SOMETHING... it's short, and far from my best work but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't make Marcus suffer through the holidays. There's so much more I wanted to do, but I had to condense it. When I started, I literally had NO idea how this was going to end. I just WROTE. And it solved itself like it always does ;)

I don't own anything except the typos that I'm sure are in here somewhere. My spellcheck got most of them, buuttt it's Christmas eve (34 minutes from being Christmas Day) and I just wanna go to bed so Santa can drop off my swagggg ;)

Mild language, drinking references, **major OOC**... the usual warnings xD

Enjoy!

* * *

_December 20th_

Life on the New York Mothership can get a little morbid. What with the constant sticking of needles into live-aboards, developing the latest gadgets -and drugs- to keep the little humans in check, and of course Anna's never-ending supply of snack-mice, it is not generally a joyful place.

I am a very _chill _individual. I would have been more than content to spend my days idly collecting ties of all sorts or else indulging in marathons of _Cops_ and _I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant - _they utterly fascinate me. But supervising human experimentation and the like is my lot in life, so I accept it. Although a bit begrudgingly.

But the challenges I was currently facing made everyday V life look like a delightfully mindless romp on the beach. Because after an "emergency" meeting with Anna that morning, I'd been heaped with the godforsaken task of the planning/strategizing/supervising/general Marcusizing of… _Christmas_. (Cue affected little shudder.)

_"We're celebrating Christmas! " _She said.

_"It's going to be magical! " _She said.

_"I'll even let you be my Secret Santa." _She said.

It wasn't magical. It smelled like dead evergreen trees. And leave it to Anna to entirely miss the point of Secret Santa…

But the Christmas part, that was true. Horribly, awfully true. So true that at this very moment I was wasting an entire morning supervising the hanging of abhorrent decorations all throughout the Mothership. Wreaths that prickled one's fingers painfully, spray-cans of fake snow that caused severe allergic reactions in at least a quarter of the staff, hideously garish poinsettias in a shade of red that could curdle one's eyeballs, giant boxes of hand-cut paper snowflakes (created for us by a local class of first-graders), and even a life-sized plastic version of that terribly unnerving Santa Claus character and his deer-creature-things, complete with an outlandishly tacky sleigh. And the trees… there were TREES. Actual TREES. That had grown out of the GROUND. TREES in the MOTHERSHIP. Dripping sap and dropping needles and making everything smell like the outdoors. Among countless other baubles, all of this obscenity was currently being spread into every corner of the Mothership… at least the areas that the humans ventured into. That was the whole point of this ridiculousness -yet another ploy to earn points with the humans. But I couldn't quite puzzle that one out - for the life of me I could not comprehend how a buttload of sparkling snow-themed nonsense was supposed to endear us to the humans. If anything, I would have assumed it an automatic turn-off.

_I don't want to live on this planet anymore!_

I looked down at my clipboard. Anna had even replaced my trusty blue pen with a glittering green one. _Dislike! _At least the decorating process was nearing completion… according to my paper, anyway. According to my series of green checkmarks and notations scrabbled across the page everything should be in order… after all, it had taken all morning for a small army of Vs to transport the junk from Earth to up here. Yes, everything was taken care of. I'd done my job, I'd glared at all the right people and nothing major had been broken. Now was the time to retire to my suite and pour myself a nice strong hot chocolate with abundant whipped cream (maybe winter isn't _all _bad.)

Until I heard the clattering galumphs of approaching feet, which could only be from one person…

"DEEEEEECCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY, FALALALALALALALALALA! TIZZZZZZZ THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY, FALALALALALALALAAAA LAAA LAAAAA!"

With painstaking patience, I uttered through gritted teeth:

"Hello, Samuel."

My bumbling coworker was currently entangled from head to toe in silver tinsel (looking remarkably like he did the day he'd tape himself to the outside of the Mothership) and sporting a very large Santa hat. And antlers. And a Rudolph nose.

"Isn't this AMAZING?" the overdelighted assistant gasped. "Last year we'd never even heard of it… and now… well… IT'S CHRISTMAS! CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL IT!"

"Unfortunately I can." I replied, as a dab of stray tree sap caused my fingers to stick firmly to my pen. But I'd have to solve that problem at another time, because a buzz on my Blackberry had just caught my attention - a new message from Joshua.

_EEMMEERRGGEENNCCYY! am having to the medbay. NNNOW!_

_Darn._ I thought. It must be pretty severe if it caused Joshua to abandon his usually impeccable punctuation. But then again, last week he'd phoned 911 after a pigeon had accidentally found its way into the ship… Joshua had never been one to cope well with stressful situations.

I made my way down to the MedBay; in this case, his stress had apparently been induced by the monumental task of providing a gift for his Secret Santa - Chad Decker.

"I don't know what he _likes! _I don't even like him!" the V doctor wailed apathetically, frantically scrolling through an eBay screen. "All I know is he's obsessed with his own teeth!"

"So… get him… toothpaste?" I suggested, eager to get this problem solved so he could get back to not caring. "Or some immolation pills in one of those fancy mint boxes?"

"That's a good ide- wait, immolation pills will make him burst into flames and evaporate." Joshua replied suspiciously.

I shrugged. Joshua looked utterly scandalized for a moment, but then his expression slowly switched to thoughtfulness. Then he typed "fancy mint boxes" into the eBay search engine.

Looked like I'd at least be getting one of the few things on my Wish List. The elimination of Chad Decker, completely unable to be traced back to me. Unless of course Joshua admitted it was my idea… but I decided to cross that bridge when I came to it.

Three seconds later, I abandoned all such thoughts from my head because Tyler Evans was suddenly rushed into the Medical Bay after attempting to eat not only decorative plastic fruit, but also a mouthful of fake snow and was now haemorrhaging blood from his mouth.

That kid will go places, I tell ya.

###

_ December 21st_

"…And in closing, I would once again like to thank you all for welcoming myself and my people so warmly into your lives, not only in this holiday season but all year round. You have made our first earthly Christmas utterly beautiful and unforgettable. I can speak for each and every V when I say: if all of your traditions are this enchanting and exquisite, we are greatly looking forwards to a prosperous and delightful life alongside our dearest friends of Earth. Thank you, and goodnight."

"Very nice, my Queen." I yawned after suffering through version 3.2 of Anna's potential Christmas speech. If we're being completely honest, they're all exactly the same, only the words are in a different order.

"Really, you don't suppose it's too vague?" Anna replied uncertainly. Shocker, I hadn't heard her second-guess herself in… ever.

"I don't think so." I shrugged.

"It's just that… I don't completely _understand_ Christmas. What is the _point?"_

"You could ask Samuel." I suggested lightly. "He seems to have a fair grasp of the concept." I don't know how true that was, but he'd produced 5 giant trays of cookies so far (invariably burnt to crisps and rock-hard), and single-handedly decked the MedBay, the human experimentation room, the shuttle docks, and even my own personal suite. He'd also set up the movie _Elf _to play on an endless loop on the broadcast screen in the bottom of the ship - our "gift" to New York City, apparently.

"Hmm." Anna hummed thoughtfully, assuming a thoughtful expression. "The speech is missing something. We need the humans to _trust _us, and to do that we have to make them think we _understand _them."

"But we don't." I pointed out. "I still haven't figured out why they keep producing new _Jersey Shore_ episodes, and if we can't figure that out at least, then what's the point?"

Anna had nothing to say to that.

###

_December 22nd _

It was T-minus-three days till the Great Gift Exchange. I was completely stumped, what do you get for a dictator who has absolutely everything? I'd browsed eBay for 5 hours with Joshua because he swore on his life they had everything. I'd attempted handmade gingerbread houses with Samuel who promised that nothing was more special than self-decorated food. I'd even gotten desperate enough to go shopping with Chad, because he convinced me that nobody in their right mind couldn't get into the spirit after a trip to Macy's.

And for my efforts I got a whole lot of nothing - except being pretty much gang-beaten by Macy's workers holding sample bottles of perfume. It looked like the only thing Anna was getting for Christmas was my skin when she forcibly removed it from my body. I was screwed.

Or so I thought. That evening, I made an epiphany-inducing discovery.

It all started when I was in my suite, changing into my pyjamas after that exhausting day. I barely managed to get my pants on when I heard a bloodcurdling scream - I bolted down to the scheming/dictating room to see Anna kneeling in front of her hologram screen, shrieking in apparent agony and bawling her eyes out. Severely shaken, I asked her what was wrong. She wailed something indecipherable and pointed at the screen - it featured a WNT News Report. At first I thought she was upset because the reporter wasn't Chad. But then I listened to the words...

"-_DUE TO A MASSIVE CONSUMER REQUEST, THE APPLE IPAD 2 HAS BEEN GLOBALLY SOLD OUT AND WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE UNTIL THE NEW YEAR. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCES AND/OR SUBSEQUENCIALLY RUINED CHRISTMASES."_

Anna seemed in no condition to explain to me what an iPad was or why it was worth screaming about, so I did a quick search on the console. Hm, looked like a neat little gadget, but nothing compared to our V technology.

But for whatever reason, Anna had apparently wanted one quite badly.

"I believe you are experiencing your… second emotion?" I offered.

She threw her shoe at my face.

###

_December 23rd_

_9 am_

"I am a genius, Joshua. A complete genius. After this Christmas is over, I'll be safe from skinning for the rest of my natural life. I wouldn't be surprised if Anna gives me my very own Mothership. She might even make me a High Commander."

"I see. Well I'm pretty sure there's a flaw in your plan, Marcus."

"Oh?"

"Where do you think you're possibly going to find one of those iPad things? Worldwide shortage, remember? It's all Anna can talk about. She might even cancel her Christmas speech."

"Precisely why I have to step in and save the day."

"Okay, Marcus…"

"You really don't think I can find one?"

"I know you can't. Because they don't exist in any store anywhere. They're _gone_."

"We could build one. We have smarter engineers than the humans."

"Pfft. Does Thomas look like Steve Jobs to you?"

"Well _obviously _we wouldn't have Thomas do it…"

"Oh Marcus, I know you loathe him to a molecular level, and I don't blame you in the slightest, but it's simply a fact that he's the only V who knows how to integrate our technology into that kind of system."

"Fine, fine. I'm going to scour this city like… well, a scour, until I find one of those things. If there's _really_ none left, I'll call you and then you and Thomas can get to work. And that reminds me - throw in some scours in your gift box for Chad. Humans love things that look like little pets."

_Still December 23rd_

_9 pm_

I learned something today. Two things, actually.

Firstly, when humans say 'worldwide shortage' they _mean _'worldwide shortage'. I thought they were exaggerating but there was literally NO iPads, anywhere. ANYWHERE. I even snuck into the storage rooms of every electronics store from New York to Nevada. I put a few too many miles on the 'Party Bus :)' but it's the thought that counts. Plus Samuel had a great time riding shotgun and loudly memorizing every single Christmas carol in existence. I suppose that would have to count for something, because I retuned to the Mothership completely iPad-less. Although Samuel lucked out - he'd picked out a perfect gift for Joshua, his Secret Santee: a _Grey's Anatomy_ board game and an authentic bedpan he'd stolen from a hospital in Seattle. I didn't have the heart to remind him that _Grey's _was fictional…

Secondly, Joshua and Thomas teaming up to re-create an exact replica of a human device is not a good backup plan. Because somehow it led to a massive explosion in the east wing of the Mothership that decimated an year's worth of R6. That's another thing that hopefully doesn't get traced back to me… at least this one was actually Joshua's idea. Legit.

In fact, Christmas seemed to have imploded upon itself in the 12 hours I'd been gone. It had all started when Tyler attempted to hang Mistletoe on the highest possibly point of the ceiling in the Mothership's entrance area. He'd borrowed an extendable ladder from Bernard, climbed to the top, looked down, vomited, and fell 70 feet. In that order. According to his mother's last update, he was currently hanging out in the Intensive Care Unit at the hospital. The only reason he wasn't dead was because he'd landed on the centrepiece Christmas tree, bounced off the branches and crashed into the plastic life-sized Nativity scene. So not only did we now have a lawsuit from his furious mother, we also had about 20 snowmen melting in the shuttle docking station - this had been a joint venture between Ryan and Chad, apparently. The melting snow was leading to electrical failure all across the ship - making it incredibly difficult to watch uninterrupted obnoxious Christmas movies. And all this had caused Anna to don a long blonde wig, sunglasses and a pair of jeans and retreat to the nearest bar.

Yes, I had to go retrieve her. Don't look so surprised.

(I hate this season.)

###

_December 24th_

_CHRISTMAS EVE! _

I am still iPadless, and Anna is experiencing her third human emotion… hangover. Joshua doesn't have a cure for this one. I called in an earthling expert; Chad recommended a big plate of bacon and a giant vat of coffee. Anna begrudgingly accepted the coffee, but when I presented the bacon she erupted in another episode of vomiting. Between rounds of hurling, Anna tearfully admitted that not only was this absolutely the worst week of her entire life and she wished she'd never heard of Christmas, but she still hadn't gotten a Secret Santa gift for Thomas, and how miserably regrettably awful she felt because he was such a lovely and dedicated assistant. Although she was still -for lack of a better term- shitfaced wasted, I felt extremely nauseous myself so I asked if I could be excused. I had to say I agreed with her. Not about the lovely Thomas part, about the Christmas Should Die part.

Note to self: Anna has just as much human emotion as the next guy. She just needs a drink (or ten) to let it out.

Anyway, once I'd escaped from her drunken clutches, I rendezvoused with Joshua, Thomas, and Samuel who were heading down to present Chad with his Secret Santa gift - a beautiful fancy mint box full of our latest line of Christmas-coloured immolation pills and a Ziplock baggie of Scours. We all piled into the Party Bus :) where Samuel immediately revved up the radio. We were treated to his karaoke-style rendition of 'Carol of the Bells' all the way to Chad's house. And let me tell you, 'Carol of the Bells' is not a song that should be sung karaoke-style under ANY circumstances.

My day was about to get better though. Chad greeted us with steaming mugs of hot chocolate and a giant platter of cookies, courtesy of Mama Decker. He even had the TV set to the Fireplace Channel (yes, the endless burning log was preferable to the Jersey Shore Christmas Special) and invited us to sit on his brand new comfy couch. Shame we were about to kill him.

"So Anna couldn't make it, huh?" he sighed in disappointment.

"She's…"

"Wasted." Samuel chorused happily.

"I was going to say _indisposed…_" I muttered.

"Guess she's on holiday too." Chad shrugged. "Oh well. She wasn't _my _Secret Santa, so no biggie! Here ya go, Marcus." He handed me a rectangular package wrapped in purple foil with a neat turquoise bow.

"Thanks, Decker." Had not been expecting that. I'd been so wrapped up in being a Secret Santa, I'd forgotten I had one of my own. I slowly unwrapped the paper, sustaining a paper cut in the process. _Sigh._ I almost got blood on the box of my brand new- IPAD 2?

"C-ch-aaaaaaad?" I croaked in awe, holding up the gleaming Apple box. _I WAS SAVED!_

"Do you like it?" the news anchor asked nervously. "I know you guys have way cooler techie stuff than us, but you gotta admit… these things are pretty cool. They have FaceTime and everything. And I bet your big screen things don't have the App Store!"

"They could if we wanted them too." Thomas muttered.

"Chad Decker, I must admit that this is completely, totally-" I began.

"Here ya go! Happy Ho Ho Ho!" Joshua chirped, passing Chad his mint box of death. Shame he basically saved my skin and now I was about to watch him get roasted. Then I felt something incredibly odd. I felt…_pity…_for the happy little newscaster. Pity and…guilt? Sympathy? Empathy? Some other kind of pathy? And I felt all warm… fuzzy even! Was I dying? What was happening to me?

Holy Effing Pluto.

I'd just been blindsided by Christmas Spirit, whatever the heck that meant. I was feelin' it… what is it the humans say? _FO REALZ. _

And I could not allow Chad to be roasted. No matter how much I hate his show.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I summoned every last ounce of Ninja-ness in my entire being and launched myself between Joshua and Chad, intercepting the box and crashing to the floor.

"Marcus!" Joshua whined. "You're gonna ruin Christmas!"

"No, young Joshua. I'm saving it." I boomed.

"But… we had a plan." he glared at me suspiciously.

"I know."

"But… we were gonna kill- _we had a plan!_" Joshua wailed.

"Do I get a present or not?" Chad demanded.

"Yes, yes you do. But not that one." I explained hurriedly, just in case the Christmas up and left just as soon as it had arrived. "You see, Chad… that's… umm… how do I explain this… that's not the right present for you."

"It's not?"

"No, it's not."

"But my name's on it."

"No it's not." I mumbled, yanking off the sticker. "This package was brought here by mistake and is not for you."

"So… where's my present?"

"_THINK MARCUS THINK! THINK THINK THINK! _I searched my pockets desperately for something that could be put to use as a backup gift. No such luck.

"Well, Chad, it's…unwrappable. Yes, that's it! Unwrappable!"

_Marcus, you're a genius._

"But what _is _it?"

_Oops. I hadn't thought of that._

"It's you being the first earthly citizen to tour our brand-new built-in fully-equipped temperature-controlled water park. You're welcome." Thomas cut in smoothly. I shot him a look of shock, awe, gratitude, and fury. How the eff are we going to build a waterpark in the Mothership? Oh well. Chad had bought it. He was now screaming in pure glee and galloping down the hallway, searching for his swim trunks and water wings.

"Should we tell him the blueprints haven't even been drawn up?" I wondered.

"Nah." Joshua shrugged. Thomas raised his mousy little eyebrows at me.

"I guess you kind of just saved our asses." I grumbled. "Sure you've set Chad up for disappointment down the road when he finds out we just can't build a waterpark at 700 feet off the ground, but at least you saved his Christmas."

"Yup." Thomas agreed with an evil smile.

"SO WHY DIDN'T WE KILL HIM?" Thomas demanded as soon as we were back on the Party Bus :).

I tried to explain… but I don't think he got it. Maybe he needed to see a few dozen more cheesy Christmas movies.

###

_December 25th_

_CHRISTMAS DAY!_

"Mmm…Mar-kuss. Get this over wit!" Anna slurred as she lounged on the couch in her new fuzzy PJs. "Fack this whole Chris-muss snowjob. I wan get back ta my boyfraaannd!" She was referring to the bottle of god-knows-what in her hands. She hadn't been sober since before the great Christmas disaster of the 23rd. Oh, how the Fifth Column would have a field day if they could see this…

"Yes, my Queen." I replied politely. "Patience."

She threw her "boyfraaand" at my head. It missed and landed somewhere in the Christmas tree. I'd get Samuel to clean that up later…

The bunch of us - myself, Anna, Joshua, Samuel, Thomas, and Lisa were gathered around the tree under which was stowed a pile of presents. There was at least one gift for every V under the many trees scattered around the ship; this one was ours. The master tree, it had a porcelain figurine of Anna sitting at the very top. Classy touch…

"Who's going first?" I asked.

"MEMEMEME." Samuel demanded, shoving a box wrapped in duck tape and bubble wrap towards Joshua, who was more than ecstatic to unwrap his _Grey's Anatomy _gift set. He promised to frame the bedpan and hang it in the Medical Bay.

Lisa went next; Tyler was still in a coma but had left his gift under the tree previously - a ring with ALIENS ROCK! engraved into the silver band. Samuel opened a box containing duck tape in every single colour of the rainbow. This reduced him to tears of joy so powerful he fell out of his armchair.

Then I couldn't take it anymore; I presented Anna with a neatly re-wrapped non-bloodstained rectangular box…

"I's feels like an i-Box-Apple-thing." she glared, shakily shaking it. "YOU…YOU'S…YOU ARE MOCKING ME!"

"Open it."

With drunken rage in her eyes, Anna slowly clawed off the wrapping paper …and experienced emotion #4: the one I like to call Marcus-Is-Incredible. I didn't think she'd ever stop hugging me.

"You… found… one…" she gasped, clinging to my neck with one arm and unboxing her new iProduct with the other. "Oh Marcus… I owe you my very _existence!_ This is why I value you so high above everyone else. They compare to you the way a lawn mower compares to a Cadillac SRX. YOU, Marcus, you are my Cadillac among lawn mowers." she declared loudly, planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek. "How can I possibly repay you?"

I glanced around at the glum faces of Joshua, Samuel, and Thomas. I could tell that one stung them. Pre-Christmas Marcus would have said something along the lines of, "Well, my Queen… for starters, I've always wanted my own miniature Mothership stationed above the Caribbean…"

But Post-Christmas Marcus abandoned the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a private beach, because apparently I was still drunk on Christmas cheer, or fuzzies, or whatever.

"Well, my Queen. If we're being completely honest, this iThing is a gift from all of us, not just me. It was not easy to obtain, I'll admit that much. I could not have brought it back here without them."

It was partly true I guess… sure the iPad had been gifted to me and I re-gifted it out of my own kindness, but if Joshua had not reciprocated the Secret Santa Cycle by giving Chad a gift, maybe he would have demanded the iPad back and I would had left empty-handed. Or if Thomas had not interjected with the waterpark distraction, Chad would have gotten suspicious and maybe even wise to our assassination plot. And Samuel… well, he was along for the ride. And maybe, just maybe his infectious Christmas Spirit had affected me. Subconsciously, of course.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I think we make a good team…

"Well then my deepest thanks to each of you beautiful people!" Anna gushed, dragging Joshua towards her and cuddling him like a very uncomfortable puppy.

"GROUP HUG!" Samuel roared, dragging a protesting Thomas into the pile. I escape and watched the love-fest from the safety of beneath the tree. For a moment, I felt the tiniest twinge of regret that I'd passed up the only chance I'd ever gotten to take credit for something…

"Oooooh Thomas dear, I almost forgot! I have a giftie for you!" Anna squealed excitedly, snatching up a little box from beneath the tree. "I'm your Secret Santa!"

"My Queen… this is the highest honour anyone could ever be blessed with!" Thomas grovelled delightedly, shooting a little sneer in my direction. Obnoxious suckup. I fully regret handing him any sort of credit whatsoever. FML, I could be hovering above the tropics right now!

Then he opened the little box.

"Oh… my dearest Queen, what is it?"

"It's a TIE!" Anna shrieked happily, clapping. "Put it on! I've always wanted you to be _JUST LIKE MARCUS! _I could sure use another one of him. I know you'll never quite measure up, but you could at least _try._"

Sure, our High Commander was still completely bombed, but that didn't change the fact that our invisible scoreboard now read:

MARCUS: 1

THOMAS: 0

Joy to the world.

###

_Later that day… _

"…although I must admit to you that I wasn't quite sure about Christmas at first. As lovely a notion as it seems, I just couldn't fully grasp the concept. Perhaps because I had never before experienced the holidays, I didn't know how it was _supposed_ to feel. But I like to think that I had the Christmas Spirit within me all along, I simply did not not know how to unlock it. But my friends, Christmas is not about being cheery for the sake of being cheery! It is about surrounding ourselves with the ones who bring out the best in us.I am so very _very _lucky to be blessed with a support team of the most beautiful individuals I have ever met. They are the wind beneath the propellors of my ship, and they are the Steve Jobs to my Apple! I can only pray that each and every one of you have at least _one _such person in your life. And if you don't, please do not hesitate to take a trip to your local Mothership. And in closing, I would once again like to thank you all for welcoming myself and my people so warmly into your lives, not only in this holiday season but all year round. You have made our first earthly Christmas utterly beautiful and unforgettable. I can speak for each and every V when I say: if all of your traditions are this enchanting and exquisite, we are greatly looking forwards to a prosperous and delightful life alongside our dearest friends of Earth. Thank you, and goodnight."

"She actually sounded like she meant it that time." I noted, sitting in the scheming/dictating room with Joshua, Thomas, and Samuel. We were watching Anna's speech live.

"I think she was just wrapping it up quick so she could go barf…" Samuel commented.

"I threw all her bottles out the window so this never happens again." Joshua added.

"_The Steve Jobs to her Apple?_ Is she serious?" Thomas grouched.

"That was a decent speech for someone who pounded a bottle of Smirnoff before breakfast." I shrugged. "Let's see you do it better."

"Your tie looks pretty, Thomas." Samuel chirped randomly.

"Nooo…" the engineer groaned.

"What is it Anna said? If she catches you without it, instant immolation?" said Joshua with a cheeky smile.

"Something like that." I sniggered, casually sipping my eggnog.

"How long before she stops trying to turn me into you?" Thomas whined miserably, banging his head against the table.

"Drunk she may be, but she sounded pretty serious." Joshua commented lightly.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she goes as far as to make you donate all your expensive turtlenecks to homeless people." I continued, watching Thomas go redder and redder. "Wouldn't that be nice?"

"We'll get you one of those little bracelets! WWMD. So you can always ask yourself: _What would Marcus do?" _Joshua giggled.

"He'd throw himself off the ship if he had any sense." Thomas growled.

"At least I'm the original." I snorted.

Thomas's bitchy remark was then cut off by Samuel cranking the radio- _Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer _had just come on.

_"Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin' home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, but as for me and Grandpa, we believe!" _he caterwauled.

"I SAID, AT LEAST I HAVE A SKILL! ALL YOU DO IS STAND AROUND AND LOOK MENACING!" Thomas thundered over the music.

"Turn it up, Sam!" I ordered. The assistant obliged, this time joined by Joshua who did nothing to improve the sound quality.

At this point I'm guessing Thomas made some sort of "Anna's bitch" reference, but it was drowned out by our rendition as the song continued. Despite my best efforts, my dignity escaped me and I found myself singing along.

_"She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog, And we'd begged her not to go. But she'd forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow. _

_When we found her Christmas mornin,' at the scene of the attack. She had hoof prints on her forehead, And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back!"_

"Oh fuck it." Thomas growled, and joined us for the chorus.

_"Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, _

_but as for me and Grandpa, we believe. Sing it Grandpa_!"

###

Tomorrow, Christmas would be over and we'd go back to being staff members, colleagues, coworkers. Instruments in a grand scheme for the annihilation of a species. But today, we were a "support team" or "the wind beneath the mothership" or (god help us) "beautiful individuals". Five days ago, I would have killed to move from the latter to the former. But I couldn't deny it… I sure could get used to this too.

Maybe the humans are onto something with these fuzzy friendy feelings…

Or maybe it's just the eggnog talking.

* * *

There ya go, Marcus.

I'm truly sorry if this fic is all over the place. I'll probably re-read in a couple days and wonder what the hell I was thinking...

The iPad hunt was inspired by something that happened to me this Christmas... only the item in question was a Blackberry playbook xD I actually had an iPad disaster in another one of my Christmas fics for another fandom and kinda had too much fun recycling it here... plus I love the Apple store and Steve Jobs so I had to pay homage somehow. I may be team Blackberry but I have a Mac and an iPod so I'm kinda on the line. Anyway.

Yeah I got Anna drunk. Not sure if that's gonna fly. Oh well, enjoy some Christmas Crack...

Wow I've missed you guys... keep in touch! links to Facebook and Twitter on profile :)

Jingle bells, Thomas smells, Anna laid an egg (or 1000)  
Fifth Column's mobile lost a wheel and the Vs got away, HEY ;)

wow that was bad. #quitwhileyou'reahead

NIGHT, MERRY CHRISTMAS! :)

RXP


End file.
